Whether you probably did the latest dumping or you were the fresh new dumpee, saying goodbye to the person you’re pretty sure was your soul mate hurts like hell. And while we’d like to think it’ll never happen to us,

is a major plot line in romantic comedies, country songs, and sugar-free gum commercials, so don’t worry-you’re not the only person trying to figure out how to get your ex back. It’s a popular trope for a reason, folks.

But before you inebriated text message your partner or send them all the “12 Days of Christmas” gifts like in that episode of The office, you need to do a little internal work to figure out why things didn’t work out in the first place, explains sex educator Liz Powell, PsyD, author of Strengthening Discover Relationships . “Sometimes the timing was off, but sometimes a partner doesn’t work for us because we’re not a fit in general.”

Things like infidelity, betrayal, or a lack of trust are all pretty good reasons to keep your ex firmly in the past, says licensed ily therapist Payal Patel, no matter how hot/funny/a between the sheets they are. “It’s much easier to focus on the best parts of a relationship when you’re not actually interacting with that person every day,” adds Powell, so you have to strip back those feel-good memories to really remember the root of your breakup before proceeding.

Also important to remember: “There are millions and millions of amazing people out there, so you don’t have to assume you’ve already met your other half,” says Powell. With tons of relationship software and first-big date suggestions, don’t feel like you have to settle for a shitty ex just because you’re currently single.

But! For people who just can’t move an impression that old boyfriend you will you should be the brand new Jim on the Pam, i asked a bunch of matchmaking positives what you need to thought when you find yourself contemplating “catching up” with sweet pea Mobile the person whoever name is on your cellular telephone as Would Perhaps not Text. Discover cautiously, twice, prior to hitting-up your former flame.

step one. Take a good look at yourself.

Basic things first: Capture a good sec to really browse inwards-the audience is speaking desires, requires, wants, and you will exact lives phase. There can be a significant difference anywhere between getting back together having someone while the you happen to be lonely and because you actually like her or him, shows you Patel. Indeed, in most cases, we obtain therefore lost within individual info off what we should think is good for united states that individuals try not to in reality believe if it is reasonable, contributes Powell.

Did you recently begin a separate business? In the exact middle of a giant really works enterprise? Sense a different loss in another area of your daily life? Our very own thinking try problematic, and sometimes fret in other section can also be affect the wisdom. Not only that, nonetheless it can lead you to invest in anything (particularly looking to again which have an old boyfriend) you do not now have the new rational otherwise emotional ability to take on. Consider although you are happy to feel an effective, compliment companion before even given reconnecting. If you cannot show up 100 % right now, there’s absolutely no part of trying to change a thread. Believe all of us, it will probably help save folks an abundance of heartbreak finally.

dos. View your existing relationship sitch.

Looking to get right back together with your ex boyfriend while you are solitary is one thing, however, feeling in that way when you are relationship some body the is a great entire almost every other. Luckily, it’s very typical to own *some* lingering ideas for the old boyfriend, despite you have managed to move on, Powell teaches you. And those occasional yearnings otherwise fond memory commonly necessarily need enough so you’re able to DM him or her, people say, nevertheless need to have a look at just what potential you’re thinking about your ex inside the.